The Art and Science of insulting

The only thing I remember learning at my Undergrad was the art and science of insulting. As you know, Insults can be broadly classified as insults with consequences and without consequences. The former can result in wars where 100 and thousands of people die (Draupadi Vs Duryodhan). The latter is what I dealt and learnt at my college.

During the course of those 4 years, I learnt to discard any respect or pity that I had to myself or any of my friends.  This is the underlying necessary assumption for insults without consequences. Like any other skill, insulting others also requires practice and dedication. One needs good teachers and a great learning environment to become good at insulting others. When I joined college, I have to confess that I was naïve and didn’t understand, appreciate or follow this great skill. I learnt from watching the adept in their acts and was really impressed by the nuances of their skill.  For the sake of context and simplicity lets call Pitin the person who we will insult.

One more important thing that I learnt at college was that insulting is a team game. The role of the audience is as important as the main insulter. Pitin only feels insulted when the audience laughs at what insulter is saying. So, effective insults require a lot of collaboration and teamwork. The magnitude of insult is directly proportional to the amount of laughter an insulter can generate from the audience. So, it is evident that insulting is a team game and requires a lot of coordination and timing.

Relying just on Pitin to provide content for insults is a mark of an amateur insulter. Professional insulters create situations that generate interesting content. Great insulters are always good friends with Pitin and never insult Pitin privately. They usually gain Pitin's unwavering trust and that makes him all the more susceptible to their play. Insulting is a group activity and you don't want Pitin to feel cornered. So switching to other members of the group to be Pitins is highly recommended. Best insults are those where Pitin is oblivious to what is about to come and is unaware of any traps .

One more important trick that I have seen the adept use is what we call as the 'PUMP'. A PUMP is an act where you say something to Pitin that he anticipates and desires but is totally untrue. For instance following is a trick that works most easily. You need an accomplice who knows the game. Let's say you are with Pitin in a bar or anywhere with some commotion and there is a girl. Make sure that Pitin also sees the girl, don't say anything just make some funny faces and keep him guessing. After some time when Pitin has his back on the girl, your other friend should take the cue and leave you alone with Pitin.

When you are alone with Pitin just casually slip in that the girl behind is watching him. Tell him not to turn his back and that he is on fire today. This is the inception of the idea now the second friend plays the part of making sure the idea sticks.The other friend should casually whisper to you  that the girl is looking at Pitin's direction so that Pitin can overhear you. After execution of a pump like this, you have Pitin by the neck and he feels pumped up  and can be talked into doing exactly what you want.This is a tried and tested technique and its perfect execution will have Pitin cornered .

Great insulters have many tricks like these up their sleeve and continuously get better at execution. To keep all the cards in your hands you should always have leverage over Pitin. Always reserve an embarrassing incident that Pitin dreads. The teachers at my college taught me that once you lose the leverage then the insults are not fun enough. Once the main arsenal is fired the enemy can no longer be intimidated. Remember being a sport and always play pitin once in a while, if your friends are good at this skill you will play Pitin more than you like. I assure you all, all it needs is a jolly group of people and Pitin for you to be a master of the game.

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The Return of the Mummies

These are very interesting times in India and Indian politics. Didi and Amma both have another term in their respective states. Assam and Kerela have new governments in the form of BJP and LDF respectively and there is no price in guessing what is common between all these election results.

Congress party that has ruled(ruled rather than governed ) the country for more than half a century are now in an embarrassing situation, their situation is similar to that of the Lannister's they have good comrades but their king

Tommen(Rahul baba) do not understand how to govern.

The Tamil Nadu people generally elect an anti-incumbent government. Not this time, was it because of the  2-G corruption label of the DMK or their inability to name a chief ministerial candidate but their association with congress did not help the party to defeat the corruption ridden AIADMK government. In West Bengal Mamata didn’t give anyone a chance so congress can be happy that they performed better than the general election but their performance compared to the last state election is still a disappointment. CPM led left actually won in Kerela where they again defeated the congress and in Assam it’s a historic win for the BJP.

Congress won the lowest seats in the 2014 Lok Sabha ever (just a meagre 44). Didn’t win a seat in the Delhi assembly elections, lost in Maharashtra, only won in Bihar with little or no influence on the government. This is after ruling the country for 10 years. They have their government just in 5 other states and they had a scare in Uttarakhand recently.These are pressing time for the oldest party in India, can they get away from the dynastic politics that is plaguing their party? It is clear that their so called price Rahul Gandhi has not done anything substantial for the party, he is all talk about revamping the party structure and doing something different, he acts like that guy in your project meeting who says that we have to do something cool and out of the box but has no knowledge about the subject.

He is single handedly responsible for collapsing the morale of the party's leaders and workers who have devoted all their life for congress. He is like ANTI-Dhoni, he has the ability to bring the worst with his team and give terrible results. It is high time for the party to do what is right, someone has to be Jamie Lannister for congress and stab this stupid prince(reference to mad king).

     

Rahul Gandhi has become a national joke and with a great corruption record for UPA government he has done a terrible job at saving the parties grace and countering the opposition. When he is talks sometimes he seems out of place and sometimes ridiculously stupid. The media even doesn’t seem to take him seriously either, which should be a grave concern for the party.

The immense influence of the Gandhi family on the congress party raises certain question, are they so respected in the party that no one believes that the party can be led by any other, does the family draws so much power(influence over judiciary and other government organizations) that everyone is afraid to challenge them or they have so much money so that they can buy their way out of any coup in the party, the first one seems the least likely and with the news of stir in the party it is clear that it is not just because of respect. The other 2 options are really interesting and even with the opposition in power, they command so much influence. This is something to think about and ponder over.

Nowadays congress is not even recognized as a credible opposition, the current government faces more heat from the likes of Kejriwal than the congress party, the party has lost the ability and will to attack the opposition and their structure is failing, it is high time that congress does something.

The party might have it is faults ,it tends to be more populist in policy making rather than pragmatic and transparent, it is corruption ridden and their politics work on maintaining the divide in the country, but still it is the only secular alternative in the country. For this very reason they cannot be decimated . The return of the mummies indicates high time for this old party to think and reinvent itself and participate in constructive dialogue in the democracy and present themselves as credible nemesis and alternative to right government led by the BJP. If this doesn’t happen the right wing will become bolder and bolder in their social professing and start enforcing their thoughts. Which in itself creates a scary picture for the country. Don’t get me wrong I want the right government to be in power and work on their economic policy. A strong opposition will make sure that they concentrate more on economy and development and suppress their extreme wing thought.

Congress party needs an uprising, they need someone to challenge the status quo, they need a Narendra Modi to change the party and modernize its working and start connecting to the people of the country again. It is certain that Rahul Gandhi is not the Azar Ahai that was promised, they need to introspect and save the party, if not for the benefit of the nation but their own benefit.